Sigh!

Posted: May 19, 2009 in Stuff

I am very depressed at the moment. I have been depressed for quite a while. I just feel very tired all of the time and I’m never happy. I feel as though I have no control over my life and that there is no one out there who will help or support me. The person who should be supporting me just simply doesn’t want to. I don’t know why she doesn’t want to help me, perhaps she thinks that I can do everything by myself or maybe she doesn’t care. I just feel that she doesn’t want to and even if I asked her for help she’d say “no”, and then come up with some excuse as to why she cannot help me. She is very good at coming up with excuses to justify her stance and they always sound so logical too, yet I always feel so lousy even though I have to agree with her. I think that the reason why I don’t argue with her is that I can never win the argument anyway, she always has an answer for everything, and I feel it is better to give in and give up than to have a prolonged argument that I’ll never win anyway!

 I have come to the conclusion that my feelings don’t matter anyway. She doesn’t care about my feelings. If she did then she’d actually listen to me when I tell her that what she is doing and saying is hurting me, and make an effort to stop, yet she will then tell me that I am stifling her opportunity to express herself if I ask her to stop. Anyway, if I ask her to stop doing something that will only mean that she will do it even more, she’s like that. I guess I just have to put up with it.

 I also feel as though I am very much unappreciated. It doesn’t matter what I do it will never be good enough for her. She never thanks me for anything I do or show any appreciation whatsoever. It’s almost as though everything I do is what I am expected to do and therefore I don’t deserve any thanks or praise.

 I cannot ask her to help things out in any way. If I do that then I am forcing her to do something that she doesn’t want to do. Anyway, I am a man and should be able to handle everything, as that is what men do!!! That’s what she tells me anyway. If I ask her to help out then I will be forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do, which will make her resent me according to her, which would not do any good for the relationship. As if the alternative is any better, which is me resenting her for not even trying to help me out. I also resent the fact that despite the fact that I work full time I am still supposed to go out to find more work to help things out. She doesn’t have to do anything of course, even a token gesture like putting things onto an online auction site, as even with that I am supposed to help her out, because she has a busy schedule doing absolutely nothing! Actually I am probably being a little unfair as she does cooking and clothes washing and… that’s all! But then again that is so much more than I do, working 76+ hours a fortnight, including a stint of seven days in a row, which goes unappreciated.

 She also doesn’t take my feelings or anything into consideration. I have already mentioned how if I ask her to stop doing or saying something that will just provoke her to do or say it even more. She also doesn’t care if I feel tired when doing my seven day work stretch, even though during that seven days I get very little sleep. Instead she will verbally abuse me, telling me that I should not be tired and that I am getting prematurely old. Not one thought about the cause or even any thought to letting me rest a bit, as I am expected to go out shopping for an entire day after the stint despite the fact that I have little sleep. Of course when I go out I am grumpy and tired, but instead of being considerate she will just yell at me, as that is what she does!

 I feel like I have no time to do the things that I want to do. They are not considered to be important anyway and I always have to make sacrifices and get nothing in return. I have no control over my life and I am not allowed to have any control. Just the other day I said that I would like to do the things I want to do and she said I should tell her what I want. Yet when I do this there are invariably protests and complaints and so why should I bother. She doesn’t want to do what I want, so to save myself from hearing all the complaints I always defer to her.

 I don’t know what to do about this. This is just a few random thoughts that I have put together incoherently but I know that something needs to be done. She has made it plain to see that she will never change even if I ask her to, and that I have to be the one who changes everything. She won’t support me either, just put me down and ridicule me and constantly attack, attack, attack. She won’t even try to be considerate of my feelings so it will just result in me giving up and accepting the fact that I am getting walked all over like a doormat, like I always do. I want to change myself but things won’t change with me if I do not get any support or if she doesn’t try to change a few things she does. Sigh!!!

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Comments
  1. Millsie says:

    Srsly

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